Morphine.

They’re starting to give her morphine pills.. It’s either that or relentless pain. And the question boils down to an ultimatum: longevity versus comfort.

We went to Niagara Falls today. Mom originally booked a room facing the falls, but grandma can’t stay out overnight anymore. We went to dinner up in the observatory in a revolving restaurant. She barely has an appetite now. She ate a portion the size of my fist. She couldn’t drink the soup because it had pepper in it. Then halfway through dinner she needed pills because her leg burst into pain. I’d never seen her like that before.

She can’t walk anymore. We have to gingerly lift her as she shuffles her feet ever so slightly. Her hands quiver when holding a fork. In just five months, this whirl just blazed through.

I don’t know how much time we’ve got left. Mom says she’s gonna start visiting every month to spend more time with her.

I just.. I don’t know. My younger cousins are completely oblivious to her deteriorating condition. They didn’t notice her switch from walking alone to using a walker to being in a wheelchair. And it kills me to see her struggle while she tells herself that one day it’ll all get better.

When we brought out her birthday cake, she was all smiles. Blew out the candle with the force of a tornado. Sipped on some tea while she ate half her slice as the sun set behind the falls.

I want to remember that moment. Capture it and lock it in a crevice of my mind. So that one day, I can remind myself that even through pain and suffering, there will always be a reason to smile.

Didn’t really hit me till my second roommate packed up and walked out 608 for the last time that this school year is now over.

Now, I’m halfway through college. And I’m also an upperclassman.

I remember in high school, I loved and dreaded it. Being an upperclassman was exciting, but there were SAT’s, AP tests, college visits… and a lot of extra things. This year, I dunno. I’m…scared?

I feel like being an upperclassman in college is different. It isn’t simply just being “top dog” determined by age, but experience. Now, your internships define you. How many credits you’ve completed. How knowledgeable are you in your field actually? I remember the juniors and seniors when I just entered college. They seemed like they were on amazing paths. They had their networks built, their internships tidy, and their resumes pristine. I remember looking up to these people and now… I’m one of them. And as far as I’m concerned, I don’t think I’m even remotely close to being a role model for anybody.

Reflecting on sophomore year, it was much better than freshman year. And I’m slowly getting my shit together. Just scary how fast time flies. Next thing I know, I’m in the job market. Scary.

AND NEXT SEMESTER IS ABOUT TO BE HELL. CORE will be the end of me. I bid my social life goodbye.

But until then, I’ll be in LA for an internship (hopefully the one I had an interview for today because it went well!!). So hit me up if you’re in Socal ‘cause I’ll be theeeeere.

Things have been going well.

Even in the midst of finals week and having lost my phone permanently AGAIN, I’m surprisingly in a really upbeat mood.

I’m appreciative of the things I do have. Happy to be with the people around me. And I’m having a pretty decent hair day.

Lalalala. :)

jenniferjchung:

Wise truth by @johnchong

I was at an a cappella workshop a couple weeks ago and the guy was talking about appearances, stage presence, and facial expressions.

“You’re constantly guessing,” he said. “You’ll never know for sure how they feel internally. You’re probably right most of the time, but you’re still guessing. You can’t get into their head.

“Think of an artist who sings about heartbreak. You say you love how she performs because you can feel the pain. How do you know she feels pain? It’s the look on her face that sends that message. You’re guessing.”

I never thought about it that way. But recently, I’ve found myself being unsure of what people around me are portraying. Are they being fake? Maybe there’s more to the furrowed brow than what he’s letting on. What does a silent poker face tell me?

I’m only guessing.

And even if I confront, the information I get is never the truth in raw form. It’s spun up in sorts, coated with sugar, somehow distorted from reality.

Makes me rather uneasy, but I suppose I’ll just take everything with a generous pinch of salt.

Haven’t written in a while.

Life’s been good, maybe too good. Not that every detail of my life is going smoothly, but through a larger lens, I’m smooth sailing.

I also don’t really feel the need to blog anymore. Just a few moments and thoughts here and there that I want to materialize, but otherwise, I don’t need to document my life on here right now.

I think I’m gonna take a little nap. This humid weather’s got me sleepy.